Habits
I don’t like it. But it’s habit to sit here, to stare.
It’s habit to come up with a reason.
It’s habit to rework it in my head.
It’s habit to get angry all over again.
It’s habit to blame it on anyone but myself.
And it’s habit to take all the blame and pull myself into darkness with the weight of guilt.
It’s habit to let those habits control me until everything else in my life is affected: how I interact with people, how I write, how I work, how I live.
It’s not habit to let go.
It’s not habit to forgive.
It’s not habit to release my grip on something I do not want to let fall–but it’s something already out of my control to get back.
It’s habit to wonder, “But what if?”
It’s habit to cycle these thoughts in my head again and again–do you see it in the way I write?
It’s habit to be anxious about what every single day in the future will look like.
But it’s also a growing habit to smile when I don’t want to.
It’s starting to be a habit for me to remember, then let go, then continue forward.
I want it to be habit for me to recognize pain and loss for what they are, then find joy and hope in something bigger than myself–it’s hard, but it’s good.
Habits.
Probably they are some of the hardest things we ever face.
But habits–these invisible things made real in our actions and choices and thoughts–are beautiful things if we make it habit for them to be so.
I’ve been thinking about habits lately.
I have a habit of forgetting I can create and stop habits.
But even more: I hardly ever realize when something is a habit.
I let things too easily control me.
Anger, guilt.
Shame, anxiety.
Tiredness, energy.
We can’t control everything–and that’s okay.
But we do have control over whether or not we continue in habits–and if we choose to realize when something has become a habit, and to choose to stop if it’s ruining us, even in small ways.
We have a choice.
Some habits I’m trying to build:
Writing in the evening–specifically, working on a story
Waking up earlier so I can write more (this one’s so hard)
Consciously choosing joy (probably [definitely] harder than waking up early)
Doing what I say I’ll do–or not committing to things unless I know I can do them (that reminds me, I need to go write a thing)
Some habits I’m trying (often failing, then trying again) to break:
Not going down what-if paths in my mind–I like to examine possibilities, which makes it very hard to move forward or let go of things I do not want to loosen my grip on, even when I have no grip
Not drinking enough water (random, but probably, definitely, very important, I know)
Thanks for reading. Go build (or break) some habits. See you soon.